The sun sets over the western sky as the skyscrapers of Denver glimmer straight ahead of me. I sit anxiously in the passenger seat of my friends Subaru as the car speeds along Interstate 70. I have found myself on the way to a Micro Wrestling event. To the uninitiated, Micro Wrestling is a WWE style competition consisting entirely of little people. How did I get here? Well, if a friend asks if I want to go to see little people fighting who am I to say no? How many times in your life are you offered to do that!
Before I know it, we arrive to Zeppelin Station and I see a crowd of people who look like they are walking into a Trump rally. “What have I gotten myself into?” races through my mind as we park the car in a gravel parking lot across the street. Anxiety fills my body as I step out of the car as bass emanates from the building, only being broken by the occasional jeer from the crowd. Where the fuck am I?
We walk towards the building and immediately I can tell that we are the odd ones out. Upon arriving at the check in booth, my eyes are drawn to a merch stand featuring a shirt that says “I Support Micro Violence”. The bass is even louder now as I hear an announcer tell the crowd that the first fight will start soon. We rush over to the bar on the other side of the building to grab a beer. We wait for what felt like hours while a dude who looks like the embodiment of Monster Energy next to me asks us if we want to take a shot with him. I politely decline and we get three Modelos and rush back as we hear the announcer present the first wrestlers.
The room was incredibly dark. The only lights that hung were these thick LED style light bars from the ceiling. It felt as if I was in the trap from the first Saw movie. The haze from vape smoke fills the air as the smell of a locker room assaults the senses. Music that you’d normally hear from an F150 on a hot summer day is blasting from the speakers in front of the stage. My senses are being harassed on all sides as sit in this sweaty room full of jeering fans.
First to make an appearance in the ring is the referee, hilariously named Micro Jackson, wearing a sparkling ref outfit. The yelling from the crowd was infectious and while the first wrestler “The Lumberjack” was talking shit about Denver I joined the crowd in yelling “Fuck You” with my finger in the air. Hot Rod joins him on the stage soon after and beats his fucking ass into tomorrow. The noise that these men would make when slamming into the ring was absolutely diabolical. Never mind the loud dad rock, the exuberant announcer and the jeers from the crowd, none of that can compare to the sound that these men made when their bodies hit the ground.
After the first match was over and Hot Rod was crowned the winner, we made ourselves to the front of the ring. I had to push through a crowd of people who looked like at any second were going to call me a slur but I’m not going to let a little bigotry stop me from having a good time. Now that we are up front, this is where the real fun begins. Instead of having to stand on my toes to get a view I could now see the slamming in all of its glorious action. Gomez steps into the ring first and taunts the crowd. Next is Disco Dom who runs into the ring dancing to, you guessed it, disco. In this match the slamming continues and is only made better by the fact that I am 10 feet away from them. It was only when I got closer that I could tell that much of it was choreographed but instead of taking away from the fun it just seemed to add more. This is redneck theatre!
It was in this second match that I began to notice a trend. The wrestler who talks shit about Denver or the crowd loses. Much like the choreography, this added to the fun, it seemed to make it more bloodthirsty. I felt more valid in my cries of “go fuck yourself” to Gomez as I knew he was going to get his ass torn to shreds. After much flinging and screaming Disco wins the match sending Gomez out the ring. This match was longer than the first and seemed to get more violent. This trend would continue throughout the next two fights.
It’s halftime, baby! Micro Jackson leaves the ring to remove his bedazzled outfit and exchanges it for something Michael Jackson-esque.
He begins doing some of the most impressive moonwalking I have ever seen while lip-syncing to some of Michael Jackson’s greatest hits. The wrestling may have been at the top of the bill but this halftime show takes the cake. there is much pain in this world, but not in this room. The crowd sings along to every word. The feeling is electric as I he hits every move with ease.
Like all good things, the halftime show ended almost as soon as it had started.
Now it is time for the championship match! I’m going to be honest with you, at this point in the show I was all slammed out. My head was pounding from the continuous noise and my beer had run out. However, dear reader, I take my work seriously and I wasn’t going to leave before I knew who was going to be the world champion! Our next fighter. Rufio, cockily steps into the ring with a gaudy championship belt around his waist. He ruthlessly shames the crowd as he parades around giving us all the finger. The lights dim as his opponent “The Redneck Brawler” himself, Lil’ Show, joins him in the ring. This fight is a constant tug of war in between the two wrestlers. While I knew that the wrestler who talks shit seems to lose, this one felt different. Would Rufio, in all his cocky glory, retain the belt? The crowd was more bloodthirsty than ever in this final match. Behind me a man yells “kill him” repeatedly as Show body slams the shit out of Rufio. You can tell that Rufio is slowly running out of fight when Show runs up the barrier of the ring and jumps across it to elbow Rufio in the stomach. Rufio lies on the floor of the ring disoriented with the only movement you can make out is his heavy breathing. Micro Jackson slams his fist down three times and a new world champion is crowned.
Congratulations Lil’ Show.
Overall, it was a phenomenal event. I entered knowing nothing of Micro Wrestling and left a fan. Would I go to another show? Probably not. But if you are bored and are looking to do something goofy, see if a show is near you. I had a little epiphany after the show. There is so much out there that is accessible only if you look. Sure, it’s just Micro Wrestling, but how many people out there can say they’ve done this? To conclude, go if it’s near you but for the love of god bring ear plugs.
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